Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.